Creativity and other stuff

Last night B and I had a long talk about self-esteem and self-critique, and the collision of those two when it comes to doing work you love. So many people dance around this issue most of their lives. Yesterday I had two moments when I felt so clear about a few things related to creativity:

1) I want to write a story that I just enjoy writing for the sheer pleasure of entering that world for 1-2 hours a day. I started a new one yesterday and in the middle of the sentence about a lemon grove and fresh herbs, I had this sort of laughing realization that I just want to write the kind of stories I want to read. So why not?

2) When I read a good book (so, not a staggering work of genius or a story that leaves me spellbound and paralyzed, but just a good book, a good story), I feel refreshed and happy. I love encountering a sentence or thought that makes me feel understood and connected to something bigger than myself. This only seems to happen when someone writes honestly, without pretense.

3) Trying too hard--in writing, in relationships, in life--is usually a sign that it's not working out.

4) Letting go is hard but liberating.

I started the day feeling quite tired again, just sort of hovering on the corners of coming down with a cold or just needing a really long night's sleep. Cora has been sleeping amazingly well. I stopped night feedings a couple of months ago and she has been a much better sleeper because of it. But I just have a hard time going to bed before 9:30 or 10 and I think I'm in the mood for about 12-14 hours of sleep, the kind of sleep that just takes over and you wake up feeling like a different person. I would dearly love just one Sunday like that, a day where you wake up and decide to close your eyes again, thinking you'll just drift for a few minutes, but then you don't wake till 11. You realize your whole morning is shot, so you go out to brunch and as you take your first sips of coffee or tea, you suddenly realize you feel gloriously alive. It's been about two years since I've experienced that. Hmm. I wonder if it's still possible?

We went to the zoo this morning and wandered through this habitat circle where Cora got to stare at a waterfall, slide like an otter, wander through a giant stump and a gopher hill, and watch kids climbing a huge spider's web. Then we went to the bug house and looked at gnarly tarantulas and other creepy crawlers. We wandered through a few more exhibits before heading back. The gorillas looked sad today. I think Cora sensed this because she stared at them thoughtfully for a long time and then blew them many kisses, about 20 in rapid succession.

I have my good-natured child back this week, a lot less fussy and screechy, which is a welcome relief. She's been doing this rather delightful thing where I ask her for a kiss and she says no, and then I say please, please, please? And she says no, very seriously, so I say OK and look away, and then she sneaks in a bunch of kisses on my cheek. She gives extremely good kisses, they are loud and smacking, and then she turns away with this little crafty smirk on her face, very pleased with herself. This morning she made me laugh because she was in bed with us (we always nurse in our bed in the mornings) and she started to meow, then when I said "are you a kitty cat?" she said "Yeah!" and started clapping.

I was thrilled when we got home and found out that out of a wait list of folks, we got the last spot in the Seattle Waldorf parent and tot classes, the last two sessions this year. So we'll start class next Friday and go every Friday till mid-June. I felt goofy with happiness. It's held in a house near us and we will sing songs and do crafts and go on walks. I'm happy it might make it easier to enroll her in the preschool there when she turns 3, over at the NE campus about a mile away. The campus seems homey and outdoorsy and cool, and B and I love to think about her running around with the other kids, playing music and feeding the farm animals and singing and painting...It's the kind of place I would have liked to go to school as a kid. Thanks so much to Wendy for suggesting it!

No no no and the significance of 14

Cora was sick again this week, but was better by yesterday morning. Luckily, the only real symptoms seemed to be a high fever and a cranky toddler. She has been extremely fussy and whiny and likes to run around the house saying "no, no, nooo" in a way that B and I have to secretly admit is pretty cute. It hasn't reached that high pitched feverish NOOOO that I'm guessing she'll achieve during one of her more priceless phases.

But what wasn't so cute about the little miss the past couple of days was a tendency to always latch onto my leg like a koala bear and just cry and carry on without regard for any sense of decorum whatsoever. I mean, really, let's get it together people. Yesterday afternoon was one of those 'say what?' moments about my life these days: Cora was fever-free and our friends were coming over, so I was trying to clean the house and make a pot of chili, pick up some cornbread (making it from scratch was not an option--mixing flour and eggs together felt like high science) and wine and other chili-like amenities so we could have people over from our PEPS group. I don't mind doing it because I know how much I love going over to their homes to enjoy the company and conversation and good eats. But Cora was totally not having any of it, carrying on like I was causing her great personal pain. She clearly thought I was completely abandoning her preciousness by doing the dishes instead of reading her the 10th round of Eric Carle's The Very Busy Spider. I can't blame her, considering that well, she's a toddler, and she was sick, and she's cutting a couple more molars, and she was probably feeling as cabin feverish as I was. But still. It made for a rough week.

This is sort of how it went:

Cora: Tap, tap, tap, SCREECH
Me: Hi Cora, how are you doing? Would you like me to sing you a song?
Cora: No, no, no
Me: Are you sure? I'd love to sing you a song. How 'bout the ABCs? A B C D E F G--
Cora: Nooooo!
Me: Would you like a snack?
Cora: No, no
Me: No? Are you sure? Ok, how about some rice milk? Does that sound good?
Cora: No, no, no, no
Me: Water?
Cora: No no
Me: Well, I'm sorry I can't pick you up right now because I am doing the dishes and the garbage disposal stopped working so I have my hand down the sink and I'm picking out soggy cheerios and cookie bits and green peppers and apple peel. So right now isn't a good time, I'm really sorry to have to ignore you.
Cora: SCREEEEEECH
Me: Cora, please use your words. Can you please say, "Mommy, can you please pay some attention to me?"
Cora: Mama, akibashi pees
Me: That was very well said. Do you want me to pick you up?
Cora: Yah.
Me: Ok, I totally will do that in just a second. Let me just wash and dry my hands and stir the garlic for a second.
Cora: SCREECH waaiiiilllll noooooo

As you can see, it was not a easy afternoon. I vacuumed and cleaned the toilet, sink, mirror, and tub with my little monkey on my hip. Chopped vegetables and defrosted turkey and said really inane things over and over again like, "Oh wow, look at you! You found a tupperware! How cool!" And then when she was looking at me like I was completely insane, I'd tell her that she was the love of my life, and she'd prance around the kitchen to the recycling cupboard and pull out all the paper and cereal boxes, then hold up the paper towel roll and beep in it like a horn "dooo dooo dooooo." I would tell her how impressed I was with her for entertaining herself and she'd roll her eyes and screech.

We ended up having an awesome time with our friends, though. We haven't seen them for awhile, having to bow out last time due to hives and a runny nose. Two families couldn't make it which ended up being rather fortunate because we could actually breathe and talk in our tiny house without tripping over a running child. We did the hokey poky in Cora's bedroom, drank wine, caught up, and played downstairs in the super cool cardboard fort I keep mentioning. I just felt thankful for having such a great group of friends that we've now known for over a year. I remember all of us sitting around in a circle, sleep deprived and puffy in the middle of winter with our two- and three-month-olds, sharing birth stories and trying to decide if we were really up for weekly meetings with strangers. Seeing Cora give the three boys kisses last night (the other two girls couldn't make it) when it was time to go, and her eyes light up every time she saw a fellow small traveler roll or bounce or laugh, I just realized again how much kids enjoy and thrive off the company of each other. I'm glad we have these friends.

This morning we just locked in a low rate for our refinance. It's a 30-year fixed and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the paperwork and appraisal and such goes through without a hitch. It's a relief to have it taken care of. We debated whether it really made sense to refinance considering the size of our house and our predilection for wanderlust, but in the end we decided it made sense to do it just in case.

I'm stumped on my story. After submitting the last two a few weeks ago, I've been trying to write about this marine scientist and I'm not that into him. I might scrap the story (or at least set it aside) and write about something else.

We have a three-day weekend ahead of us, and B and I celebrate 14 years since our first date on Feb 14th, the day Cora turns 14 months. I can't believe I went to the aquarium by bus with an 18-year-old boy and stared at the otters and talked about high school, and now I'm writing about parent groups and refinancing details. I think we're going to celebrate our 1st-date anniversary by painting the trim in our basement. Life is bizarre.

YMCA and memories

This week has turned itself around day by day. We joined the YMCA near here and I'm glad we did. I've actually worked out several days this week, actually got exercise that made my heart beat harder and my blood pump. I'd begun to think my veins were permanently accustomed to the slow drudge of walks around the lake. The facility has a couple of free childcare options. One is a little gym/tumbling room three days a week, which Cora hasn't really tried yet, but which we hope to check out tomorrow. The other is a much more intimate room filled with fun toys and books and very competent caregivers. Cora cried the first time I left her this morning, but after we stayed there for awhile and she ate a snack with all the other kids (um, very cute, I have to say...she was the smallest one at the table, sitting at her chair eating her little cookies and studying everyone, then looking frantically around for me, getting my reassurance, and settling in for more cookies and studying). After spending about 20 mins together, I finally left again and got on the treadmill thinking oh yeah, I'll just do it for 3 minutes before they come out to get me because she's crying again, but not so! The little lass played happily for 25 minutes until I went in to get her. I'm hopeful that if we go on a regular basis she'll start to get used to it and I'll be able to join a yoga or body work class, or get a really long walk/run in. I am happy that she has an opportunity to be exposed to other little kids, caregivers, and activities in a safe setting.

This week has been all about memories. Yesterday my mom came over and I ended up talking with her about some of the things I've had on my mind that have been getting in the way of our relationship. Surprisingly, the talk went really well and was thankful for the time and chance to chat. I've also been thinking a lot about old friends, ones I've lost touch with as far back as high school. A good friend of mine from high school is moving back here in June and I keep feeling regretful that I didn't stay in better touch, didn't try harder to keep that line alive. In general, it's made me think about the distinct phases of life: the growth, the memories, the way certain people know you during periods of great change. I've been feeling profoundly thankful for my friends, especially the ones that are so near and dear to me that I feel as if I know them very well despite time and space.

Being a mom is complicated. There are so many competing priorities in my life right now: being dedicated to Cora, working daily on my writing and meeting story goals/deadlines, cooking and keeping the house clean (yes - very domestic, I know, but it truly feels like a fair split of labor, and something I've taken on lately, especially since B is working so much), being physically active, and being an engaged friend. The priorities are so different from when I worked FT, and certainly from when I worked PT and took care of Cora, but the funny thing is that no matter which direction things are going, no matter where we're headed, there are always things that need to be done. I'd be pretty darn depressed if there weren't things to do, but it's interesting to me the level of self-awareness that a child brings into my life. I am sure I am joined by every other mom when I say that I am constantly aware of the example I am setting, of the things I am doing that affect Cora, of the ways I approach our lives. The pressure can be intense, and while there is such an internal pull to be there in every way for her, I am also adamantly aware of how important it is that I have time for myself, time to pursue my own dreams and give my body the chance to exercise and foster relationships with people I care about. I have been feeling such a draw to be connected to other women, to discuss and share and commiserate and feel that sense of personal connection.

Lethargy

I've been battling lethargy the past couple of days. Yesterday I felt like I was swimming through a cloud, and despite all attempts to do fun and interesting things with Cora, I felt inadequate. This morning was worse, and for such a bad reason. I succumbed to mediocrity, allowed myself to be lame. I could not find anything to wear. I need to clean out my dresser and get rid of all the stuff I don't wear anymore, donate it or something. I always feel so bad when Cora is running around with her brain brimming with possibility while I grumble and mumble my way through the morning, pawing through layers upon layers of ill-fitting or worn out clothes.

I ended up deciding to go shopping for a couple new items, convincing myself it wouldn't be so bad if I took her to a couple of places. I don't think I have ever even taken her to a mall. She was totally bored and frantically annoyed, screeching in the store and glaring up at me. I couldn't blame her in the slightest, considering how useless I had been all morning. And it was a beautiful day, so I felt doubly guilty.

You know what? When Cora is older, the last thing I want is for her to worry about what to wear in the morning. I want her to worry about what she's thinking, not what she's wearing.

If I show up at your party the next time you throw one and I'm dressed in a paper bag and mismatched socks, I expect you to applaud me, please.

We're going to the park when she wakes up, and she'll get to see another friend of hers. I hope we'll be able to turn the day around.

I really, really wish I could put her in the stroller and go running. I miss that feeling of strength and purity. At the same time, I remember being really in shape and having more of an obsession with my body. I like feeling so accepting of myself most of the time...it's when I feel this passively tired that I am frustrated by the lack of intense activity in my life these days, like I need a jump start.