Intention vs. Reality

I threw out my back last Friday, making it the fourth time it's happened since I first did so in early 2007. Which makes me realize that it could be becoming a chronic problem, my Achilles heel. The problem is that I can't do anything when it happens--can't do errands, clean the house, play with my child, write, cook, get outside...nothing. I have to just lie in bed or hobble from one room to the next before collapsing in pain. It's ridiculous and debilitating, and it can feel very discouraging, perhaps even more so this time around because I couldn't take any pain killers or lie on my back while pregnant.

I felt pretty mopey this weekend, at times downright depressed. It didn't help that it was one of the most beautiful weekends we've had all year--sun streaming through the windows and a warm breeze blowing the curtains into giant, billowing skirts. Granted, it turned out to only be four days of relative difficulty, but it made me reaffirm my goals to get back into shape as quickly as possible this summer following the birth of our baby. And do all the things that worked last time to help support my back--acupuncture, chiropractic, lots of stretching, start running and hiking again. Maybe I'll also try yoga.

I hate not being able to do anything. I hate not being an active parent. I hate hearing Cora say, "Mommy's back is hurting. Mommy's sick." Ugh. I don't want to be that person.

Also, our budget is completely out the window this month. Completely. We're just going to have to start fresh in March because I have given up even trying to track our food spending. I'll just wait till the end of the month and tally it all up and wish we hadn't spent as much.

Which brings up an interesting point. I've enjoyed not worrying about it. I've enjoyed just going out and picking up something from the store that sounds good and going home and eating it. It's a feeling that is diametrically opposed to how inspired I feel when we're living according to a simple, strict budget, like we were last month. More plastic bags are collecting in our recycling. More packaging is going into the garbage. I noticed this afternoon that for the first time in weeks some of our produce was going bad. Granted, it was a bag of spinach I'd designated for a gnocchi recipe that I couldn't attempt making from bed, but still...

It made me wonder, what side am I on? The simple, community-minded, conscious eater who enjoys cooking everything from scratch, feeling ingredients between my hands and enjoying the process as much as the product? Or the convenience-seeking flavor finder who would like to browse through a world of gastronomic delights created by other people at substantially higher price to me and the planet?

I'd like to be the former, but in truth I am both. I woke up this morning wanting to go to the French countryside. Who knows why, maybe I dreamed of France last night and the images seeped into my psyche, or maybe it was because a trip to France is very different from being bed ridden with a backache, or maybe a trip to France is simply always an attractive option that doesn't need any justification. Regardless, I woke with images of a country cottage near a cobblestone village. I imagined waking with our family and gathering our baskets and bags, and walking down a country road to the tiny town, browsing various shops and outdoor markets for perfectly roasted coffee beans, rounds of golden cheese, braided bread, local produce.

I can imagine enjoying doing that nearly every day--here, or abroad. If I lived near Pike Place Market, it's likely you could find me looking through the stands every afternoon and coming home with a little bit of everything--fresh herbs, a surprising fruit, seafood, fresh poultry, as many vegetables as I could carry.

Next month, I'm going to have to start fresh. I'm not sure what the budget will be. I think I'll try to just spend $100 per week on groceries, outside of the $40 we spend on CSA deliveries.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love our daughter? I don't think I have. But it must be mentioned before I sign off for the day. I can't believe we created her. I can't believe she exists. She is growing up so quickly. Yesterday as we drove downtown she made up a song that she sang in various iterations for a few miles, making me grin and giggle:

"I like my mommy, I like my house, I like dogs and kittens and cheese, I love my mommy, I love my daddy, I love animals, I love to wear my shoes."

Then she said, "Mommy! I have a bird in my hands!"
I asked, "Where did you find it?"
"Right here in the car!"
"What color is it?"
"It's blue."

She also found a small brown bird and they all had an animated conversation together. Then they flew away.

Finding inspiration--and holding on

Our budget went out the window last week. It's because I didn't plan--no menu, no blogging about it, no strict rules for myself.

And I discovered something funny. If I'm not accountable to anyone, it's easy to let the rules slip. It seems I'm accountable to you. Brian didn't care. He was all for going out to dinner and spending money all weekend. When we're both feeling weak, it's over. We enable each other.

That's OK. We're starting fresh this week. We'll see how it goes.

And next month we're starting the next phase: spending $2,000 per month on student loan debt. Wish us luck. It's hard when I consider the other things I'd like to do with that money, but when I imagine paying down our student loans until they're PAID OFF, I feel better.

Also, I've been feeling creatively rejuvenated. Brian and I seem to fill our spare time--especially our walks--with discussions about creativity and stories, and it makes me so happy and inspired. I was talking with Brian last week and determined that every spare minute I have should be spent writing my story. He encouraged me to stop writing here if I find it too distracting (which I sometimes do). I think maybe I just need to tone down my obsession with food and budgets and reach an easy pace with it all.

I feel the approaching day of our son's birth in June as an increasing thrill--and deadline.

I want to finish a draft before then. Can I do it? I don't know. I've set these goals for myself before and perhaps I am always too aggressive. It's taken me seven months to get to 140 pages, so can I reach the end by June? I'd like to think so but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment and feelings of failure.

So. 140 pages and climbing. Another writing session tomorrow morning, more nap time throughout the week, a chance to get closer to my goal.

Regardless of that, I'm taking a break and planning out this week's meals based on our Full Circle Farm produce delivery:

1 each Cauliflower
3 each Hass Avocados
1 bunch Green Kale
1 each Cucumbers
1 each Bunched Carrots
6 each Braeburn Apples *
1.5 pounds Baby Red Beets FCF
6 each Navel Oranges
1 each Green Leaf Lettuce
6 each D'anjou Pears *
0.66 pound Shiitake Mushrooms *
1 each Mangos
0.66 pound Baby Spinach
FCF = Grown at Full Circle Farm
* = Grown in the Pacific Northwest

Tuesday:
Lentil-rice pilaf and roasted vegetables. (I love roasted cauliflower.)

Wednesday:
Dinner with friends at their house.

Thursday:
Black bean chili and cornbread.

Friday:
Stir-fried shiitake mushrooms, chicken breast, and kale, with steamed rice.

Saturday:
Handmade rolled quesadillas with chicken, onions, cumin pintos, fresh tomatoes, baby spinach,and guacamole.

Sunday:
Roasted beet and baby spinach salad and salmon OR spinach potato gnocchi. (I'm excited to make the gnocchi--the recipe arrived in our CSA box and it sounds delicious.)

Hiking

This is one of my favorite recent pictures of Cora, taken near Twin Falls, an easy hike in the North Bend area. She spent most of the trip in a backpack, but took full advantage of snack time to roam around and use her fancy hiking stick.

El Nino Tuesday...with pictures, a budget, and menu

Unlike this picture taken last week after we received our Full Circle Farm CSA delivery, our fruit bowl is looking rather sad today. That's the thing about waiting until Tuesday for a produce delivery--you can find yourself rustling through eight limes and an apple in search of a little snack. Our vegetable drawers are looking equally dismal: five lonely carrots thumping about in the bottom drawer, and a few heads of romaine trying to look brave.

I guess it's one way to make Tuesdays take a walk on the wild side. I feel like it's Christmas today. I'm rubbing my hands together in glee, waiting for our produce to arrive.

Cora's sleeping and I should be, too. I'm recovering from a cold. It could be me, but I think it sucks to be pregnant, sick, running around with a toddler, AND not be able to take any kind of medicine. But anyway. Here I am. Instead of napping soundly, I'm going to write about food again. Which is becoming a trend, I admit. It's not that I think I am going to permanently veer into the world of food blogging, I'm just interested in this right now. I think it's contagious. In fact, as I was tucking Cora in for her nap, she drowsily looked up at me and said, "Mommy, someday soon we're going to have a garden."

One reason she's so excited about having a garden is because of a story called First Tomato, by Rosemary Wells (found in her book, Voyage to the Bunny Planet). In it, Ruby has a difficult day at school and daydreams about the Bunny Planet on her bus ride home. She flies to the Bunny Planet, where her mother asks her to pick the first tomato from their garden. Ruby puts on boots and a coat and runs outside by herself with a basket, where she harvests vegetables and the very first, red tomato from the vine. Her mother makes her First Tomato Soup "because she loves her so." I sing Cora a song based on the book and we've talked about going out to the garden and picking our very own food. I like that it is something she considers before drifting off to sleep.

We're all excited about the prospect of filling our fruit bowl with apples and pears from our trees, and bringing in baskets of green beans and peas, carrots and tomatoes and lettuce and broccoli and all the good things we hope to harvest from our garden. We're building the raised beds this month and hope to plant our first starts in early March.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ahem. I meant to quickly log on to show you a few pictures because, well, my blog is dreadfully bare of them. I'm trying to be better about that. So here goes.

Today we were supposed to meet Brian for a picnic to celebrate a sunny, El Nino Tuesday. Just as we were about to jet out of the house with our tasty wares, he called and told us he was still in a meeting. So we unwrapped our sandwiches and plunked down our various containers of fruit and puffs and raisins and had a picnic in our kitchen. Here's Cora sampling the grapes:



And this is where I might make you laugh. That is, if you're one of those normal people who has no experience with gluten-free bread. The thing is, if you're accustomed to buying gluten-free bread at the store, you know the drill: you have to toast it to make it taste edible. That's how my life has been since I was 12. However, fast-forward to these last three months of baking my own bread, and you might stumble into my kitchen and wonder why one earth I'm taking pictures of my sandwich:



I didn't plan to take these pictures. I admit they're not the most artful, or in focus, or perfectly arranged, but they're real. They were quickly unwrapped and photographed just so I could post them here. But you do see, right? It's all there: mustard, jack cheese, tomato, romaine, stacked turkey, mayo, a sprinkle of black pepper. It's not just because I'm pregnant, I don't think, that I took such joy in eating this delectable little bit of goodness. I seriously thought I'd gone to heaven. I made the bread yesterday and it's soft and filled with seeds and gluten-free oatmeal, and it tastes hearty and soft and absolutely perfect, and it's not toasted, and it just makes me happy. I've been tinkering around with a couple of recipes and I'll post one for it someday soon, I just want to make sure it works every time. (In the meantime, if you're dying for delicious GF bread, look to this delicious recipe by Gluten Free Green Mommy.) It makes me happy to cut up a sandwich into pieces for Cora's little hands, too:



After our lunch, we tramped up to our park and I watched Cora race around in the sun. She was happy to swing for a full 10 minutes, which is unusual. I think it was because she was busy soaking up the sun.

JANUARY BUDGET UPDATE
Alrighty. We spent about $650 on groceries (including food and household supplies like dish soap, sponges, shampoo, toothpaste, and pull-ups) in January. We went out to two lunches and one dinner together, and Brian went out to about four in all with colleagues and friends. We both bought coffee and tea, too, on more than several occasions. I haven't added up the cost of those outings line by line, but I think they all add up to about $120. This is most definitely a significant savings over what we were spending last year.

FEBRUARY BUDGET GOAL
This month I hope to spend at or under $600 on groceries. I've already spent $280 on a couple of big trips to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods, and we're fairly well stocked on the basics. We've bumped up our CSA delivery to the Family size (total monthly cost: $156), which I hope will give us a bit more to work with each week, and I plan to keep my weekly trips to the store very minimal--to purchase dairy, poultry or fish, and some kind of "treat" to round out the week. This could be sliced turkey for sandwiches, a chocolate bar or fancy cheese or wine, additional produce, or something uber-prepared to make a few meals more easy. We have about $150 to portion out over the next four weeks, or about $40 each week. Does that sound crazy? I don't know. I'm curious.

As you know, I plan all our meals around the weekly CSA delivery. This week I had a slightly more difficult time planning the menu, and I realized it was because our delivery was missing a winter green (like kale, chard, collard, etc.). I love hearty greens. And we're out of onions. So I purchased these items through Full Circle Farm's Green Grocer, as indicated below. (I bought $3.50 worth of garlic through the Green Grocer a couple of weeks ago and received eight lovely heads of garlic. I was impressed.)

Here's this week's CSA delivery:
0.75 pound Snow Peas
2 each Golden Bell Peppers
1.75 pounds La Ratte Potatoes FCF
3 each Avocados
0.66 pound Baby Spinach
1 each Romaine Lettuce
1 each Celery
1.5 pounds Roma Tomatoes
0.66 pound Cremini Mushrooms *
6 each Braeburn Apples *
6 each Navel Oranges
6 each Fuji Apples *
5 each D'anjou Pears *
*Grown in the Northwest.

Items from the Green Grocer:
1 bag Green Kale $3.49
1 bag Yellow Onions * $1.49

Here is this week's menu:

Monday:
Pasta salad with romaine, tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, and chicken sausage. (And leftover turkey chili for those who want it.)

Tuesday:
Stir-fried snow peas, chicken, Cremini mushrooms, and baby spinach, with a ginger-garlic-tamari sauce; and steamed Jasmine white rice.

Wednesday:
Party/dinner with friends at their house.

Thursday:
Dinner with a friend at our house. Soft homemade GF flour tacos with Mexican brown rice, refried pinto beans, roasted mushrooms, peppers and onions, guacamole, romaine lettuce, black olives, Jack cheese, and salsa. (Make this in stages so it’s not so work-intensive.)

Friday:
Chicken Caesar salad and roasted potatoes.

Saturday:
Salmon noodle casserole with green peas, and apple-blueberry cobbler.

Sunday:
Toasted buckwheat (kasha) pilaf with sunflower seeds, and sautéed kale and chicken in garlic and olive oil.