I'm all atwitter tonight because we're in the process of possibly refinancing our home and I just walked through the application today and our broker will shop it around tomorrow. The reasons? I'm excited because rates really are quite low. But I got a bit riled up when reality stared me in the face: I am on the application but I don't have any income to report.
Let me be clear. This is not a surprise. It's something I thought through before quitting my job. The feminine mistake, so to speak. The hanging out there in the wind without an income of my own, without contributing financially to our lives. This isn't something new to consider, it just felt tangible for the first time today. I wanted to be able to state an income and I couldn't.
It's hard to feel that vulnerable, especially when you have read all the feminist literature I've read, and when you come from a divorced family. It's less easy to be an idealist about it all, more easy to look at it and see the vulnerabilities. For the first time today, I couldn't just walk away from the judgment I was placing on myself. The thing is, I would gladly work so that B could stay home. Maybe I will do that someday.
Incidentally, I was at the playground this afternoon and I talked with a dad and his 17-month-old daughter. They moved out here for his wife's job and she recently got laid off. He was in a planned transitional time and was looking for a job, but now the are both jobless. These are scary times. It's a lot of pressure.
So this is when it is easier to dive into melodrama without thinking. It's better to take things a day at a time and keep focused. It just feel like it's all the more important for me to work hard at writing, to use every available minute to push myself. To kiss Cora adamantly and make sure she knows she's worth it. Sometimes time just feels so damn fast.
No comments:
Post a Comment