Creativity and other stuff

Last night B and I had a long talk about self-esteem and self-critique, and the collision of those two when it comes to doing work you love. So many people dance around this issue most of their lives. Yesterday I had two moments when I felt so clear about a few things related to creativity:

1) I want to write a story that I just enjoy writing for the sheer pleasure of entering that world for 1-2 hours a day. I started a new one yesterday and in the middle of the sentence about a lemon grove and fresh herbs, I had this sort of laughing realization that I just want to write the kind of stories I want to read. So why not?

2) When I read a good book (so, not a staggering work of genius or a story that leaves me spellbound and paralyzed, but just a good book, a good story), I feel refreshed and happy. I love encountering a sentence or thought that makes me feel understood and connected to something bigger than myself. This only seems to happen when someone writes honestly, without pretense.

3) Trying too hard--in writing, in relationships, in life--is usually a sign that it's not working out.

4) Letting go is hard but liberating.

I started the day feeling quite tired again, just sort of hovering on the corners of coming down with a cold or just needing a really long night's sleep. Cora has been sleeping amazingly well. I stopped night feedings a couple of months ago and she has been a much better sleeper because of it. But I just have a hard time going to bed before 9:30 or 10 and I think I'm in the mood for about 12-14 hours of sleep, the kind of sleep that just takes over and you wake up feeling like a different person. I would dearly love just one Sunday like that, a day where you wake up and decide to close your eyes again, thinking you'll just drift for a few minutes, but then you don't wake till 11. You realize your whole morning is shot, so you go out to brunch and as you take your first sips of coffee or tea, you suddenly realize you feel gloriously alive. It's been about two years since I've experienced that. Hmm. I wonder if it's still possible?

We went to the zoo this morning and wandered through this habitat circle where Cora got to stare at a waterfall, slide like an otter, wander through a giant stump and a gopher hill, and watch kids climbing a huge spider's web. Then we went to the bug house and looked at gnarly tarantulas and other creepy crawlers. We wandered through a few more exhibits before heading back. The gorillas looked sad today. I think Cora sensed this because she stared at them thoughtfully for a long time and then blew them many kisses, about 20 in rapid succession.

I have my good-natured child back this week, a lot less fussy and screechy, which is a welcome relief. She's been doing this rather delightful thing where I ask her for a kiss and she says no, and then I say please, please, please? And she says no, very seriously, so I say OK and look away, and then she sneaks in a bunch of kisses on my cheek. She gives extremely good kisses, they are loud and smacking, and then she turns away with this little crafty smirk on her face, very pleased with herself. This morning she made me laugh because she was in bed with us (we always nurse in our bed in the mornings) and she started to meow, then when I said "are you a kitty cat?" she said "Yeah!" and started clapping.

I was thrilled when we got home and found out that out of a wait list of folks, we got the last spot in the Seattle Waldorf parent and tot classes, the last two sessions this year. So we'll start class next Friday and go every Friday till mid-June. I felt goofy with happiness. It's held in a house near us and we will sing songs and do crafts and go on walks. I'm happy it might make it easier to enroll her in the preschool there when she turns 3, over at the NE campus about a mile away. The campus seems homey and outdoorsy and cool, and B and I love to think about her running around with the other kids, playing music and feeding the farm animals and singing and painting...It's the kind of place I would have liked to go to school as a kid. Thanks so much to Wendy for suggesting it!