YMCA and memories

This week has turned itself around day by day. We joined the YMCA near here and I'm glad we did. I've actually worked out several days this week, actually got exercise that made my heart beat harder and my blood pump. I'd begun to think my veins were permanently accustomed to the slow drudge of walks around the lake. The facility has a couple of free childcare options. One is a little gym/tumbling room three days a week, which Cora hasn't really tried yet, but which we hope to check out tomorrow. The other is a much more intimate room filled with fun toys and books and very competent caregivers. Cora cried the first time I left her this morning, but after we stayed there for awhile and she ate a snack with all the other kids (um, very cute, I have to say...she was the smallest one at the table, sitting at her chair eating her little cookies and studying everyone, then looking frantically around for me, getting my reassurance, and settling in for more cookies and studying). After spending about 20 mins together, I finally left again and got on the treadmill thinking oh yeah, I'll just do it for 3 minutes before they come out to get me because she's crying again, but not so! The little lass played happily for 25 minutes until I went in to get her. I'm hopeful that if we go on a regular basis she'll start to get used to it and I'll be able to join a yoga or body work class, or get a really long walk/run in. I am happy that she has an opportunity to be exposed to other little kids, caregivers, and activities in a safe setting.

This week has been all about memories. Yesterday my mom came over and I ended up talking with her about some of the things I've had on my mind that have been getting in the way of our relationship. Surprisingly, the talk went really well and was thankful for the time and chance to chat. I've also been thinking a lot about old friends, ones I've lost touch with as far back as high school. A good friend of mine from high school is moving back here in June and I keep feeling regretful that I didn't stay in better touch, didn't try harder to keep that line alive. In general, it's made me think about the distinct phases of life: the growth, the memories, the way certain people know you during periods of great change. I've been feeling profoundly thankful for my friends, especially the ones that are so near and dear to me that I feel as if I know them very well despite time and space.

Being a mom is complicated. There are so many competing priorities in my life right now: being dedicated to Cora, working daily on my writing and meeting story goals/deadlines, cooking and keeping the house clean (yes - very domestic, I know, but it truly feels like a fair split of labor, and something I've taken on lately, especially since B is working so much), being physically active, and being an engaged friend. The priorities are so different from when I worked FT, and certainly from when I worked PT and took care of Cora, but the funny thing is that no matter which direction things are going, no matter where we're headed, there are always things that need to be done. I'd be pretty darn depressed if there weren't things to do, but it's interesting to me the level of self-awareness that a child brings into my life. I am sure I am joined by every other mom when I say that I am constantly aware of the example I am setting, of the things I am doing that affect Cora, of the ways I approach our lives. The pressure can be intense, and while there is such an internal pull to be there in every way for her, I am also adamantly aware of how important it is that I have time for myself, time to pursue my own dreams and give my body the chance to exercise and foster relationships with people I care about. I have been feeling such a draw to be connected to other women, to discuss and share and commiserate and feel that sense of personal connection.